babydoll..still under the spell xxx: rockstar xxx

babydoll..still under the spell xxx: rockstar xxx: 24 nov 2012 22.01 smiling at the thought of that Man singing on stage.. was this really happenning,i thought to myself as i was rec...

rockstar xxx

24 nov 2012

22.01


smiling at the thought of that Man singing on stage..
was this really happenning,i thought to myself
as i was recording the videos of the songs they played...


He was singing His heart out,playing that guitar,
i stood afar,not wanting to jeopardize this night,
that belonged to Him...

was He really the same person i fell in love with?

amazed

i wanted to scream and say things while i watched in the sidelines...haha

but couldnt...

my dear friend dutchy watching and giggling with me while we watched...

i was silently saying from afar how proud i was to witness this ...

then He started singing this song, i was bewitched by how he sang it...
how this song meant and i was half way thinking and wanting to sing with Him..

and thinking to myself,with all these things that had been going on around us,
i never really thought He would actually sing last night...

but He did and He sang with that passion i always see in His eyes,
when He is trying to explain to me things or make me understand things
that i would normally get confused about or when He tells me stories
that make me laugh,
when we walk silently His hand forever holding mine,
and i look into His eyes
and i know that there is something He wanted to say...

or the first time we spent i spent a few hours with together and left,
He never knew,i was watching Him as the car drove me away,

i saw Him looking solemnly down,walking silently but His actions ...
without saying a word...i could feel them very loud and clear...

this was the same last night as He was singing,on that stage,
except,last night He was singing the words...


He was happy xxx
He was enjoying Himself

all these worries before the show,drifted away


the last song,He said was about me...
after the show when He said that,
i was smiling on my way home...

i knew i was going home to where this Man will be...
not tonight,not tomorrow night...

but every night He is always home with me...
in my heart and my soul

He was singing for me,
He is my Rockstar..

He had always been everything i ever wanted..

this complicated life we are in...
that He made as happy as possible
not just for Him but more so for me....

spellbound by You xxx

nov 04 2012

dollhouse

23.08


i wished for You
You came and made me feel
that everything is true xxx

there were more ups than downs..
but all are inevitable
they will happen wether we want to
or not...

i cried and i cried...
and felt too sad,

but why?

for someone who refuse to feel this again,
it was something i thought i have forgotten...

but why in the best of times,
do i feel as if i am pulled towards You
i feel helpless and sometimes i feel restless..

i am a woman who wanted a man
to take care if me..
foolishly thinking thats all it will ever be...

it wasnt.it wasnt how i expected how things would be...


i hae been a wife,i have been a fiancee,
i have been a gf and in all of them i never knew
or felt any happiness...
the way i felt when i was with You...


what is wrong,what is right?
i dont know anymore
all i know with You everything seems bright...

no one would understand this situation we find ourselves into...

but would anyone blame us for how things now came to?

i had a conversation,with someone close,
having difficulty in believing that she will ever find love,
inspite of her never really falling in love,
she asked me,
how can You still feel love inspite of all the hurt You had in the past?
how can You be with anyone after all that?

i had to tell her,

i said, i see life differently than others...

but i didnt say anymore why...
but this is why...
i know i shoould think of how the pain was in my past..
but thats not where i want my life to last

i dont see life as gray...
and i wont let pain lead me astray...

i have to try to live a life,with all its colours
despite all around me lies...

i have expirienced chaos,hurt and pain,
wealth and poverty...

but one thing i realized,
you have to be poor to be wealthy...
hurt to love,
die with in to live...

when ever i felt pain or sadness...
i think of You and i know You will hear me
even in silence...
see me even in darkness,
love me even when there is nothing left..

and because of this i know i cant be a victim of my past...
nor a victim of my present...
specially not going to be a victim of my future...

but most of all,

its because for now,i know
i am spellbounded by my love for You...

babydoll..still under the spell xxx

July 29th 2012

10.24 am
dollhouse

woke up,startled...

wow it was  sleepless night and yet...

how can things be so contradicting at times?

sleepless and still filled with dreams...
things that the mind cant fathom comes in bursts
only you can see...

speechless and yet....

how  one feel so lost for words...
but inside the words comes tumbling out..

wordles...

past weeks had been busy with work,last two had been not to eventful
aside from the last day that was stessful ,well ccant say i am looking forward for monday!!

it is such a delight to read a book similar to my situation!
quite surprised acually how many havent tried it or felt the need to ...

buut He is similar and differentto that character...well He is not a billionnaire
thats for one...
He is not available entirely because f His situation not because of anythign else...marital :(

And also from the start He was a very affectionate Man.. thats why i fell deeply inlove
pretty quickly,

because of THAT smile..that gentle voice and still i felt he was in control?
i was so ashamedly very attracted to Him haha!! even on the first date ..

Alone, i thought back the past weeks that had gone really quick,
didnt have the courage to write everything down,too scared to say somethign i will regret..

i know ,i know for someone who love to talk a lot,
when feelings get the better of me,i stop talking!!!how silly is that??
maybe up until now i never understood why i would ffeel these emtions for someone?
very Strongly??

in the past i cried a lto because of hurt by people ...
and so i am so scared this will happen all the time..

love,get hurt ,love then get hurt...

and still after telling myself a hundred times never to do that again...

He came into my life.

telling myself off was not good.she never listens.

she got in the car with no brakes and speeded off into the twilight.

blah

The London Eye

we were up there looking at the view from the capsule..
but i was so aware He is always beside me,behind me infront of me..
there were times i want to say things,but i stop myself..

looking at Him and seeing Him smiling ,genuinely happy i hoped,
to be with me there...is more than enough for me to know what i feel for Him xxx

i wanted to tell Him i was so happy we were able to do things together
...that He is happy to do things with me.


Actually ,
there are a lot of times i feel so overwhelmed,i cant say anythign at all!!!


At the park,

i was so hapy to see Him..

He cycled from work and it was a very hot day...

i got off at Notting Hill gate station,

and immediately,i feel this knots in my tummy,if  i dont see His smiling face there..

but because i have to always remember what certain things i have to follow.

no calls unless i ask if i can,

so in a fleeting moment i think, really hard what to do in times like this...
should i ring Him or not?

but i remember i asked if i let Him know when i get there..
so,i ring ..

walking,His hand holding mine tightly,i cant hide my hapinness xxx

we walk to the park,it was filled with people,
young and old,families and lovers like us xxx


there was a galleon and an indian tepee where the children were playing,
as we passed He said there was a tree,that was kept because of the smurfs (!)
those little people that live in your garden ;)
and... FAIRIES!!!

so i looked at His smiling eyes,
and i asked bewildered 'seriously?please ell me your lying? a tee with fairies??!!'

He laughed and said, 'yes!! and i amnot joking,there really is a tree with fairies !!'

He pointed and said,'it used to be on that spot,oh its still there!!'

so i said 'can we please see??'

there  it was an old tree that was cut and guarded insdie an iron cell.

fairies,snails,butterflies and smurfs all there in different positions,

covering the ancient tree wrapping it in  magic for all to see!!!

xxx

He found a spot,we tlaked,ate and drank wine,

He told me to take off my pants! i had to obey...
my dress hopefully is enough to hide my blushes!!!
people were around us but He didnt mind,we kissed we touched each other..

if He only knew what His touch does to me :)

He askes me about the book,what ar emy thought about it,

i say ' its like reading You'

but ofcourse it wasnt Him,but a lot of similarities specially,sexually...
and also,i share the same feeling of not wanting me to displese Him...

He asked 'when did yoou feel thta you re submissive?'

me: i dont know!
Him: well,you must know

He changes the question slightly for me to understand it better,i think.. haha!

Him: did you feel this way,before?

this i wasnt sure how to answer,in all honesty because i was scared He may misunderstand me.

but this is how i felt,i am submissive naturally,but having been hurt a lot i learned to be stronger.
when you have no one to decide for you,you become very strong willed,even if i was born not
having to decide for myself.but then situations happen,that force you to change.quickly.

when i was very young befroe the birds and the bees i thought,whoever he is, he will love me,
take care of me,give me affection,provide and i will take care of all that he will give me..

well i learned it wasnt as easy as that!

there was no one to give me all of these,i have nothing to take care of ...
except my son.

regarding intimacy,
yes i was aware of my sexuality,
but i never had the curage to tell anyone about it,i did once but it wasnt what i think he thought
he wanted..

but with Him now,yes it was Him who taught me that i should be.

yes,i know.He owns me.

and so, this is the reason,i cant freely say what i really think. i cant answer the questions straight,
i am more scared of maybe even now He is aware that i have fallen inlove with Him,that He might ran away...that is more scary than being ppunished for being vocal and clear of my feelings when
i am being petulant,as He described my last appalling behaviour...

i love to express myself but this is a whole new world, and i am still learning it all.
and so,for someone who loves to say things straightforward to anyone..

there is one prson that i cant do that,even if He says i should..even I, am confused of this feeling i have...

words run amok in my head,and yet...
i cant bring myself to say them..

for the first time i felt....needy.

i am embarassed to feel so..
needy of His love and His kisses,making love with Him,

knowing all too well that i shouldnt..does He still fell the same way?
i ask Him sometimes but really,not knowing if thats how He really feels..
and i feel now that i should leave Him to himself to rediscover that..

but ofcourse like with anything else,
i am really clueless to what is right and what is wrong to do...

what do you do when you are all consumed by passion for a person?
but you have to keep your self at arms length?
mre for yourself than Him?

what do you do when you have fallen inlove with some one ...
He feels the same way too...
tha is all good but how do i go about it?

He try to make me happy all the time,
and so,i dont want him to feel i am being ungrateful but what He doesnt know is that fell
more inlove in all the months that had gone,how strange.

considering there were no promises that were made..
but we try..

i try


i woke up startled,in the dollhouse,dreams of Him in the night..
waking up without Him is still something that makes me feel knots in my tummy..

He isnt here,i have to remind myself,get used to it...
it will never change..then the thought of that makes me choke back tears...
Hold on a minute!!! when i agreed with the arrangement i told myself i will be strong.

so thats just exactly what i should do...
just be strong...

keep your feelings to yourself,disract yourself from these feeling you have...
He is not yours to keep..

these words fail me.

but i have to try

and so,i know..

up until now,time is near,
it will be a year...

all the things that had happened,all the days of waiting in anticipation to be with Him,
all the laughter,affection,love,hurt,punishments..even now

i dont know what will happen tomorrow,
would He still love me?want me?

one thing i know

i am still under His spell xxxx